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生活 - 专栏

说“不”能带来强大的力量

Stacey Griffith 2017年03月13日

“是”是一个强大的词,但“不”同样能够带来力量。

我的许多学员都跟我讲过,因为违心说“是”最终带来的后果。她们接受新工作,对新的情人有求必应,对着装也不敢有异议。

“是”是一个强大的词,但“不”同样能够带来力量。拒绝与你的计划和目标不一致的事情,是在为对你而言重要的事情腾出空间并强化他们。对背离目标的事情说“不”,可以为你的目标创造空间,并让所有人知道,你正在集中精力为实现这些目标而努力。

女性天生比男性更容易顺从,她们害怕被人说爱出风头、傲慢专横或者自私自利,尽管她们实际上并非如此(但很少会有人用这些词来形容男性),所以女性更难对其他人说“不”。我们只是习惯了逆来顺受。但我们还是应该学会拒绝。你需要知道哪些事情可以接受(为实现目标需要做的事情),而哪些事情应该拒绝(浪费时间或与目标背道而驰的事情),这很重要。

在制定计划和目标的时候说“不”,或者在恰当的语境下和为了正确的目的说“不”,可以给你带来强大的力量。尤其是在你不习惯拒绝的情况下。坚定的立场和得到认可的选择,能够让你肾上腺素飙升(而且这还可以有效地抑制食欲)。

这也意味着你正在专心致力于眼前的事情。

我发现,许多学员很难开口说“不”。如果她们认为自己真正的想法会让人不高兴,她们就会采取逃避的做法,而不是去诚实面对内心的真实想法。她们担心其他人会有不好的反应,而自己将不得不面临对方的怒火;而且你不想让别人生气……所以你会说“是”,这样他们就不会生气,但结果,你不得不照顾他人的要求,却置自己的需求于不顾,而代价则是你的生活陷入一团糟。

尽管如此,为了确保有正当的理由拒绝他人,通常要把握好尺寸。你或许并不想拒绝,但从逻辑上,说“是”是绝无可能的。面对这种情况,你可以说:“我今天可能不行,明天怎么样?”或者“这件事我无能为力,不过我帮你做那件事怎么样?”

直接的回答还是“不”,但同时也向对方说明,你可以根据双方的时间安排提供帮助。你给对方提供了替代选择,就好像你在早上,给倔脾气的孩子三件衬衫让他选择,而不是说:“不行,你不能穿那件。”

通过说“不”给其他人一个选择——因为你必须避免落入为取悦他人而说“是”的陷阱,以免让自己的生活陷入混乱。否则,你很快就会进入一种“殉道模式”,你会出于一种所谓的责任感去做事情,并利用它来逃避自己的需求和目标。我的理论是,巧妙地利用“是”和“不”这两种回答,无需为任何一种回答感到愧疚。

节选自史黛西•格里菲斯的《Two Turns From Zero》。

译者:刘进龙/汪皓

So many of my students have told me about what happens when they finally say yes. Yes to the new job. Yes to the new beau. Yes to the dress.

Of course yes is a powerful word, but so is no. By saying no to things that aren’t aligned with your intentions and goals, you are reinforcing and making space for what is important to you. Saying no to the things that take away from your goals creates space for them and tells the universe you are focused on them.

Because women, in particular, are programmed early on to be more docile than men — for fear of being called pushy, over- bearing, or selfish — even though, of course, they’re not (and a man would never be called any of those words!) — they often have a hard time saying no. We are just conditioned to live in the House of Yes. But we still need to spend time in the House of No. It is important to know what you need to say yes to (the things you need to do to achieve your goals) and what you need to say no to (the things that are wasting your time or taking away from those goals).

When setting your intentions and defining your goals, and when used in the right context and for the right purpose, no can be very empowering. Especially if you aren’t used to saying it. It is a firm statement and an acknowledged choice that gives you a jolt of adrenaline (which is a potent appetite suppressant, by the way).

It also means you’re fully engaged in the now.

I’ve found that many of my students have a difficult time saying no. It’s an avoidance technique that allows them to put off being honest about what they really want if they think it’s going to upset someone. There’s that fear that someone’s going to react in a bad way and that you’re going to have to deal with the repercussions of their anger; plus, you don’t want to make people upset . . . so you say yes so they’re not upset and you end up unraveling something in your day to compensate for having to take care of someone else’s needs rather than your own.

That said, there’s often a fine line to walk to ensure you’re saying no for a valid reason. You might not want to say no, but logistically, it’s just impossible to say yes. If so, try saying, “I might not be able to get to today, but how about tomorrow?” Or “I can’t do this, but how about I help you with that?”

The answer is still no in the now, but is still making clear that you are available according to both of your schedules. You’re offering alternatives, sort of the way you’d give a stubborn child the choice of three shirts to wear in the morning instead of saying, “No, you can’t wear that.”

Use your no to give someone else a choice — because what you want to avoid is falling into the trap of saying yes to please someone else, and then creating chaos in your own life as a result. This can quickly veer into martyr mode, where you’re doing things out of a sense of obligation and using that to avoid dealing with your needs and your goals. My theory is to manage both the answer yes and the answer no, without feeling guilty about either!

From Two Turns From Zero by Stacey Griffith. Copyright © 2017 by Stacey Griffith. Reprinted by permission of William Morrow Books, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.

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