Then I remembered that my husband, brother, and I had spent much more than $21.99 on drinks the night before, because we were having fun. Why can't my kid have his fun, too?
The hard truth is that unless I'm willing to impose austerity on all of us -- an austerity we have worked hard to avoid -- there is just no way to teach my kids the same flintiness that once manifested itself in my boiling chicken bones to make soup stock to save the $1.50 a can. If I now buy name brand Ziploc bags, my kids will learn to buy Ziploc bags, rather than the generic kind.
But that's not all bad, because I'm not sure that my temperamental cheapness is as noble a trait, overall, as much personal finance literature makes it out to be. It has its upside: I've never had any debt beyond a mortgage. But it has its downsides, too. I give less generously than I would like, to charity and with gifts.
I put off hiring as much childcare as we needed, because it was expensive, but that made it harder to build my career, and put a lot of strain on my marriage. I have been reluctant to invest in the business side of my work, by hiring assistants or paying for publicity, because I tell myself I could "save" money by doing it myself. Except then it gets done badly or (more often) doesn't get done.
I want to teach my children that frugality is not a virtue in its own right, divorced from any larger goal. Money is powerful not because of anything inherent in these numbers, but because of what it can do. Sometimes we have to take risks, and sometimes we should invest in things that matter.
That can include the happiness of our children. I'm not sure what forces will shape the economy they'll eventually work in. You have to plan for the future, but if the future is unknowable, there is something to be said for enjoying today as well. I'm trying to figure out the right balance between squirreling and profligacy -- that magic point where money is stripped of the drama, and becomes a tool for building the lives we want. Too bad that's hard to teach in the toy aisle.
Laura Vanderkam is a regular contributor to Fortune.com and the author of All the Money in the World: What the Happiest People Know About Getting and Spending, out this week.
