订阅

多平台阅读

微信订阅

杂志

申请纸刊赠阅

订阅每日电邮

移动应用

专栏 - 人间烟火

穿过大谎言的迷雾:如何真正掌控自我

查大伟 2016年05月30日

查大伟(David Chard)是一位领导力培养顾问,在亚太地区拥有30年的从业经验。作为联心管理顾问有限公司(EngagingMinds)的创始人,他全身心致力于通过领导力和领导策略实现个人和组织向敬业型转变。他普通话流利,经常来往中国。他的联系方式是:info@engagingminds.biz
致歉声明:因为私人原因,我在财富中文网的专栏暂停了几期,在此向所有读者致歉,谢谢你们的谅解。很高兴我又回来了,奉上这篇我一直想写的文章。

改变想法,就是改变你的世界。

——诺曼•文森特•皮尔博士

想法可以是出色的仆人,也可能变成颐指气使的主人。

——或为苏格拉底

或许你还记得,我写博客的主题都是领导力。每一位成长中的领导者都不能忽视自我提升和自我认知。这两点都是自控能力的具体内容。所谓的“自控能力”到底是什么?在这篇文章里,我会解释什么叫自控能力,详细说明所谓的“大谎言”是什么,然后提供一些避开谎言陷阱的关键提示,以及实现自我控制的途径。

什么是自控能力

我建议读者们解放思想,重新认识自控能力——因为可能跟你以前想的不一样。一般来说,人们容易把自控与多年苦练培养出来的技巧联系起来。所以一提到自控,就会说起运动健将、音乐大师、科学大牛、艺术巨匠、经商达人等等例子。

但在刚刚提到的这些领域里,自控都是经年累月刻苦练习之后的自然结果。花上一万小时就差不多了。一万小时的说法来自于马尔科姆•格拉德威尔所著的《异类:不一样的成功启示录》,书中主要探讨了如何能够从刚刚“够格”变成为某一领域里的“专家”。例如,想充分掌握拉小提琴的技巧就要训练一万个小时。不过这里的训练可不是随随便便的,而是专注并且充满热情的反复练习。训练时保持认真的心态跟花费时间累计一万个小时同样重要。

但比技能训练更重要的是练习自我控制能力,也就是思想掌控。我认为这才是最重要的能力,因为如果能够控制思想,再想控制其他方面就易如反掌了。控制思想不是要分辨思想方式正确与否,然后只用“正确”和有用的思想,最重要的是充分挖掘潜能。

要掌控思想,就要先搞清楚思想的本质,搞清楚我们究竟是思想的奴隶还是主人。很多人不知不觉就变成了思想的奴隶,终身受思想摆布而且从未意识到。最坏的思想我称之为“大谎言”。如果没法揭露大谎言的真相并且彻底抛弃,实现自我控制就是一个遥不可及的梦。具体要怎样做才能控制思想呢,此处按下不表。首先要接受一点,最重要的就是掌握思想的主动权,否则根本无法实现真正的自我控制。

揭秘“大谎言”

那么,“大谎言”到底是什么?简而言之,就是人们在五岁之前就形成的核心观念。“大谎言”有很多的表现形式,但最常见的就是“我有问题”或“我不够好”,再或“我的能力不足,还需要提高自己”。

如果诚实地面对自己,你就会发现这些都是谎言。但很多人,事实上是大多数人都相信这是事实。结果是一辈子的大多数时间都在努力“证明”自己是优秀的,胜任工作的,有能力的,有价值的,可爱的,等等。想起来了吗,一切的源头不过是一个谎言,为什么人们还要花费这么多的精力去反驳?因为他们深深相信这个谎言,已经到了潜意识的层面,渐渐地大家都忘记了谎言的存在。

所以你会问,如果我认为自己爱犯错,能力不足,一文不值,错漏百出……这些都是谎言,那什么是真的?很高兴你问了。

真相是,每个人都有无穷的能量。每个人从出生起就是完美的,善良、高贵,拥有控制自我的一切条件。

其实每个人都享受着宇宙慷慨赠予的免费礼物,自始至终都拥有完整的、宝贵的自我。但是一旦接受了谎言,人类就会不知不觉地抛弃自己的能力,而且很难再记起。

可以把大谎言看作是“思想的源泉”,因为谎言栖居在意识深处。意识中偶尔会冒出想法,但很大一部分都是谎言的产物。同时,思想看起来非常让人信服,而且无比真实,很少会让人抗拒。我们会认为脑中的想法体现了真实的内心,实际上并不是。我们看起来是产生思想的人,但在彻底抛弃谎言之前只能说我们臣服于思想。

一切都始于很久之前的无心之失,从此人们困在了大谎言的陷阱里,穷尽一生与之对抗,但是就像陷在流沙里一样,越挣扎就陷得越深。要是发现给自己挖了个坑,最好的应对之策就是别再继续挖。但令人惊讶的是,在没有意识到大谎言在后台操控(就像电脑里的操作系统一样)之前,人们会不遗余力地证明谎言是正确的,证明事实上就是无法胜任,总想着“调整”自己,却没怎么花工夫来应付真正的问题:戳穿谎言。

好消息是:说到底,大谎言只是一缕想法、一个概念、一种信念,只有抽象的存在而且自身并没有力量,谎言的力量都是人类给的。跟对待所有的思想一样,人们可以拒绝谎言、弃之如敝履,代之以更积极的想法。最好的消息就是,不管是现在还是过去,你都没有问题。宇宙不会孕育废物。

记住这一招:头脑中存在各种形式的大谎言,看起来都非常真实。人们被愚弄太久,所以谎言似乎成了事实。看到这里,如果你愿意练习集中精神,就可以试着掌控自己的思想,摆脱错误想法,努力把注意力放在有益的想法上,脱离大谎言的影响。

实现自我掌控之路。要重新控制注意力,可以试试下面三个练习方法。当然了,要付诸实践只能靠你自己。可能会有想法冒出来说“别浪费时间了”,或是“可能会失败吧”,或是“现在才开始太晚了”。这些都是大谎言派来的干扰。我的建议是:别相信那些鬼话,它们不过都是大谎言身边跟班的小谎言。

第一项练习:控制情绪

有个说法是“生活不过是日日感受所思所想”。意思是,接受了负面想法后身体就会产生相关反应,即“负面情绪”。想法会推动身体产生情绪。

人们通常会“发现”自己情绪不佳,转而认为之所以心情差是命不好,都是别人的错。事实上,情绪好不好百分之百都是因为自己。只要改变想法,情绪自然就会变好。当然,关键就是要了解这点。

要练习情绪控制,最简单的办法就是积攒感激之情。每天早上拿着日记本安静地坐一会,写下值得感激的所有事情:健康、家庭、工作、生活、各种能力等等。每一条都认真地想一会,深刻地体会拥有这一切是多么值得感激。不要只是把写下的念出来,要用心感受。

每天要坚持练习,情绪不好的时候,例如生气、沮丧,自怨自艾的时候也可以随时复习。你有没有东西吃?有没有水喝?有没有空气呼吸?心肺是不是都在正常工作?你是不是双腿健全,想去哪就去哪,有双眼能看尽繁华,双耳能享受天籁,还能听见孩子的话语?很多人都做不到这些。每天都练习“感恩心态”,你会发现早已不见的集中的注意力将回到身边。你又能选择如何去感觉,不会再怨天尤人,心中只有基于自知的掌控。

第二项练习:学会“由内而外地”生活

很多人都觉得“总是碰到事”,慢慢形成了固定的印象。确实,人活在世总会遇到点事,但如何应对却是因为如何面对“发生了什么”,与事情本身没有多大关系。除了自己没有旁人能够强迫你这样感觉那样感觉,但在现实当中确实经常听到有人把情绪怪罪到别人的头上,比如“她惹我生气的”,“他让我自惭形秽”。再说一遍,事实上都是大谎言在作祟,根本原因是你早已相信自己能力不足,命又不好,才给了别人机会来左右你的感受。但不是你想的那样!生活应该“由内而外地”感受,而不是反过来。

很多孩子小时候都有玩偶、泰迪熊或是“安全毯”,仿佛这些东西能够提供安慰、安全感和快乐。你小时候有么?问题来了,你真觉得被爱、安全感、快乐的感觉和精力是来自于没有生命的小玩偶或泰迪熊么?当然不是!这些美好的感觉都是来自于你的内心,你只是觉得美好的感觉来自于外物罢了。同理,不开心时也习惯于怪罪他人或者是时运不济。有时人们甚至以为真有什么神奇的人能够“让人”开心起来。

练习其实很简单。拿出一张空白的纸,在中间画一条竖线。左边画一个人,右边画一个玩偶或泰迪熊。想象画中的人感觉被爱、安全、开心、快乐。问问自己:“这个人内心的感觉跟泰迪熊有多少关系呢?”以后在开心或不开心的时候都想想这个练习。提醒自己这些感觉都是从内心产生的,不是外界强加的。提醒自己“感受所思所想”。

通过练习就能把注意力重新调整到情绪的源头,不管是开心还是不开心,都要关注思想和由之催生的情绪。别再怪别人了,也别再怪命不好,最重要的就是别再把自己当成无力反抗的受害者。练习一段时间后就会习惯正确的思维方式。

第三项练习:“别以为想法决定了你是什么样的人”

记住:你是怎样的人跟想法一点关系都没有,你应该是清醒的掌控想法的自我。“你”是沉默的目击者,你是真正的主人。下面有一项简单的练习,在脑中或是纸上都能做,随时随地都可以做。

1. 想象一次跟别人,比如跟同事或者是伴侣之间不欢而散的谈话。

2. 回想一下当时那些人具体说的话、语音语调、面部表情、身体语言,当然还有当时如何不开心。

3. 在脑中想象自己悬浮在半空中“旁观”,看自己跟另外一个人谈话。你能看见、听见所有的事情,不同的只是你没在“自己的身体里”,就是一种灵魂出窍的感觉,在想象中体会观察那场谈话。

4. 在日记本里以第三人称角度写下“两人之间的谈话”,给双方起个名字,比如A先生和B女士。写写两个人的感受,推测两人当时的感觉。写下两页纸,通过纸面上的回顾来重温当时的谈话,一定要有作为旁观者的距离感。要充分考虑双方的立场,不要武断下结论。

每天坚持练习,一定要用亲身经历当素材,每次花15分钟。写完之后仔细体会抽身旁观的感觉,放弃以自己为中心的视角,试着完全从第三人的立场来观察。我保证如果天天练的话,这项练习会很有用,你会从中获得巨大的自我掌控力量。因为你会重新发现真实的自我。其中的好处我不想赘述,亲自尝试之后自然会明白。

掌握自控能力有什么好处?

• 重获自由的感觉,生命焕发活力

• 抛开大谎言,再也不用受之欺骗,而且谎言会看起来很可笑!

• 自知能力会随着自我满意程度的上升而提高

• 自信大为提高,会明白自己已经很好,没有必要调整

• 意识到别人都在“由外而内地”生活,他们都相信周遭环境影响了内心感觉,也影响了机会,你可以为他们提供善意的帮助,让他们知道你的观点。

• 一旦明白了“生活不过是日日感受所思所想”,就不会再忘记

• 你会重新发现快乐并不是“目的地”或是终极目标,快乐随时伴你同行,等待着你重新发现。之前获得快乐的阻碍只是思维方式。

• 你会明白生活中总有选择:无论何时都可以选择开心,面对大谎言时会知道如何应对。问题是你会怎么选。

做这些练习在职场上有什么帮助呢?很明显,快乐、自信、又有自知之明的人在面临业务上的挑战时会更有创造性,也更有效率。他们是和善的同事、优秀的团队成员、高效的合作方,因为他们从来对事不对人,做事擅长为他人考虑,充满智慧,自控能力更是一流。换句话说,这样的人会成为商业领袖。

摆脱谎言困扰一定要花一万个小时吗?不一定。每天早晚练习,坚持六周看看有什么变化。我很期待听到你们的经历。多数人对这篇文章也就是看看算了,转头就忘。你会怎么做?(财富中文网)

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

“Thoughts can be wonderful servants but they make terrible masters.”

Attributed to Socrates

If you recall this is a blog about leadership. For every emerging leader there is an aspect of self-development and self-awareness that cannot be overlooked. This is the dimension of Personal Mastery. But what does “personal mastery” even mean? In this article I want to explore a definition of Personal Mastery, examine what I call “The Big Lie” and then look at some key steps that you can follow to move beyond the lie and find your own personal path to mastery.

Defining Personal Mastery

I’m going to suggest that you open your mind to a new understanding of personal mastery; it is probably different than what you thought. Most often when we think of ‘mastery’ we think of things like skills that we develop through years and years of patient practice. Usually when we talk about mastery, we think of things like sports, music, the sciences, the arts, business skills and similar examples.

Mastery in any of those areas is a by-product of steady, unrelenting practice, putting in the “ten thousand hours” as suggested by Malcolm Gladwell in his book “Outliers” which is a study of what makes people merely “successful” versus “masterful.” To master the violin, for example, you need to put in 10,000 hours of practice. But, not merely ‘practice’---practice with focused intention and passion. The mindset of the person practicing and the 10,000 hours are of equal importance.

But beyond the mastery of physical skills, there is another kind of mastery that is developed within oneself, the mastery of one’s thoughts. And for me, it is the supreme mastery because with mastery over one’s thoughts, any other form of mastery is going to be much easier. It isn’t about figuring out which thoughts are ‘right’ or which thoughts are ‘bad’ and then only entertaining ‘good’ thoughts, though that can be helpful. It’s about discovering the awesome power that lies hidden inside of yourself.

Mastery of thought begins with the understanding of the nature of thought and whether we are its’ servant or its’ master. The answer for most people is that they have unwittingly become the servant of their thoughts, enslaved by their own thinking, without being aware that this is so. The worst of these thoughts is what I call “The Big Lie.” Until one uncovers and discards The Big Lie, personal mastery is going to remain elusive, unattainable, a mere dream, out of reach. Regarding the “how to” of mastering our thinking, we will come back to that. For now, just be open to the idea that until we are masters of our own thoughts, we will be cut off from meaningful personal mastery.

Uncovering “The Big Lie”

So, what is “The Big Lie?” In short, it is a core belief that human beings agree to before they are five years old. It has many variations but the essence of The Big Lie is “Something is wrong with me” or “I am not good enough” or “I’m inadequate and so I have to prove myself.”

If you are honest with yourself, you know about this lie…and…many people, most people in fact, believe it is the truth. As a result they spend much of their life energy trying to ‘prove’ that they are good, adequate, capable, worthy, lovable, etc. But remember…it was a lie to begin with…so, why do people spend so much energy trying to disprove it? Because they believe it, deep down, at an unconscious level, and, over time have lost awareness of this belief.

So you will ask, if being wrong, inadequate, unworthy, incapable, flawed, defective…are all lies…then what is the truth? I’m glad you asked!

The truth is that each person is powerful beyond measure. Each person is already perfect at the moment of birth with all the goodness and worthiness and resources they will even need to achieve mastery in their lives.

They receive a free gift from the Universe: everyone is whole and valuable, and that never changes. But because of The Big Lie, they have unknowingly abdicated their power when they agreed with the lie, and then forgot about it.

You may think of The Big Lie as a “thought generator” because it lies in the core of your consciousness. From time to time, thoughts appear in your consciousness and a high percentage of them will be mirroring your big lie. At the same time, thoughts seem so compelling and real, you seldom challenge them. We actually think our thoughts are ‘who we are.’ No, they are not. We are the one who has the thought. But until we discard The Big Lie, it is more accurate to say “our thoughts have us.”

Through an innocent mistake, long ago, we have simply fallen into a trap of believing The Big Lie and as a result we spend our life energy struggling against it and the more we struggle, like being in quicksand, the deeper we sink. When you dig yourself into a hole…the best thing to do is to stop digging! But, amazingly, when we are not aware of The Big Lie operating in the background (like the OS of a computer) we will spend more energy proving it is true, proving that we are right about being inadequate, trying to ‘fix’ ourselves, and very little energy dealing with the real issue: getting rid of the lie!

Here’s the good news: in the end, The Big Lie is just a thought, a concept, a belief, and abstraction and has no power except the power you have loaned to it. Like any other thought, it can be, rejected and discarded and replaced with more useful thoughts of your choosing. The best news of course is that there is nothing wrong with you now and there never has been anything wrong with you. The Universe does not make junk.

Here’s the Catch: The Big Lie shows up in your thoughts in a myriad of forms that may seem ‘real’ unmasked to you because you have entertained the lie for so long, it seems like reality. Seeing this, you can take action to get on the path of personal mastery over your thoughts and false beliefs…if…you are willing to practice the art of attention…focusing your attention on thoughts that serve you instead of The Big Lie that enslaves you.

Your Personal Path to Mastery. Here are three exercises that anyone can practice to begin to regain personal control over their power of attention. Of course, its’ up to you to choose to do the work. And, your thoughts may tell you “Don’t waste your time” or “I’ll probably fail” or “It’s too late for me.” Those are examples of thoughts generated by The Big Lie. My advice: don’t believe them. They are all just small lies, generated by the Big Lie.

Exercise No.1: Mastering Your Emotional State.

There is a saying that “We are always living in the feeling of our thinking.” This means that, when we believe a negative thought, there is a reaction in our body and we experience a ‘negative’ emotion. Thoughts trigger emotional states in the body.

Usually we ‘find ourselves’ in an unwanted emotional state and then we blame our circumstances or other people for our unhappy feeling. The truth is, your emotional state is always 100% in your power to control. You just have to change the thought and your emotional state will change. And, of course you need to ‘see’ that this is so.

The easiest way to experience your power over your state is to learn to focus your attention on the feeling of Being Grateful. Sit down each morning with your journal and start listing everything you can think of that you can be grateful for: your health, your family, your job, your life, you abilities, etc. Then focus on them one at a time and really feel how grateful you are for each thing on your list. Not just ‘reading’ the words but experiencing the emotion of gratefulness inside your body.

Keep doing this every day and do it anytime when you ‘find yourself’ in a bad mood, feeling angry, frustration, self-pity, whatever. Do you have food to eat and water to drink? Do you have air to breathe? Are your lungs working? Your heart? Do you have legs to take you places, and eyes to see things and ears to hear music and the sound of your child’s voice? Many people do not. Practice “The Attitude of Gratitude” throughout the day and you will discover that the power of your attention that you abdicated will return to you. You will regain the power to choose how you feel, not based on ‘circumstances’ but based on your mastery over your own awareness.

Exercise No. 2: Learning to Experience Life “Inside-Out”

Most people still believe that “things happen to them” and then as a result, they feel a certain way. While it is true that “things happen,” how you feel is always a result of your own thought about “what happened” and never caused by the event itself. No one can “make you feel” this way or that way…though it is common to hear people blame others for their feelings “She made me angry” or “He made me feel small.” The truth, again, is that due to The Big Lie, you are ready to believe that you are inadequate, a victim of circumstances, and that other people can decide how you feel. It just isn’t so! Live is lived “from the inside-out” and not from “the outside-in.”

Most children when small have a doll or a Teddy Bear or a ‘security blanket’ that seems to bring them comfort, a sense of safety and happiness when they need it. Did you have something like that? So here’s a question: do you really think your feelings and experience of love, safety, happiness…came from an inanimate doll or Teddy Bear? Of course not! Those nice feelings were created by you, inside yourself…and then you ‘blamed’ the feelings on the object. In the same way, when we feel unhappy, we have the habit of ‘blaming’ other people or circumstances for our bad or unhappy feelings. We even believe that some magical person ‘out there’ can ‘make us’ happy.

This exercise is very simple. Just draw a vertical line down the middle of a blank page. On the left side, draw a person. On the right side, draw a doll or Teddy Bear. Imagine the person is feeling loved, safe, happy, joyful. Now ask yourself: “How likely is it that the person ‘received’ those feelings from the Teddy? Keep this experience in mind each time you ‘find yourself’ feeling unhappy feelings, or happy feelings. Remind yourself that the feelings came from inside of you, not from the outside. Remind yourself that “I am always living in the feeling of my thinking.”

By practicing this, you will be able to refocus your attention to the source of your unhappiness---or happiness---your own thoughts and the emotions they trigger. You can stop blaming others or blaming circumstances, and most importantly, you can stop feeling like a powerless victim. After a period of practice, this pattern will become automatic for you.

Exercise No. 3: “Don’t Believe Your Thoughts are Who You Are”

Remember: you are NOT your thoughts…you are the consciousness that observes your thoughts. “You” are the silent witness. You are the master. Here’s an easy exercise you can do, in your mind and on paper, anytime and anywhere.

1. Think of an unhappy conversation with another person, a colleague, spouse, etc.

2. Now re-imagine the words that were spoken by ‘those people’---what they said, their tone of voice, facial expression, body language and of course the feeling of unhappiness

3. In your mind’s eye, “see” those two people as if you were hovering 20 feet in the air above them and they are ‘way down there’ having the conversation. You can see and hear everything. What is different is that you are not ‘in your body’ but rather you are ‘dissociated’ from yourself and you have the experience (in your imagination) of observing “those people down there.”

4. Finally, in your journal, write about “those people” who had that conversation and do it in 3rd person. You will not use the word “I” at all. You can give them names like “Mr. A” and “Miss B.” Write about how “those people” were feeling and what “those people” must have been thinking. Write about two pages until you have captured the experience on paper and you can really feel some “distance” between you as the observer and that person “down there.” Begin to develop some compassion for ‘those people’ and let your harsh judgments drop away.

Do this every day with one recent personal experience only. Spend 15 minutes each time. After each writing notice how different it feels when you dissociate yourself from the situation, discard the “I” position and simply see and hear the situation as an observer. I promise you this is a powerful exercise and if you practice it daily, it will lead you to a great deal of personal power. Because you will rediscover who you really are. I can’t say a lot more about that because it is something you must choose to do.

What Can you Gain from Personal Mastery

• You can regain a sense of personal freedom and power in your life

• You will discard the Big Lie and never believe it again…it will seem ludicrous to you!

• Your personal self-awareness will continue to grow along with your personal satisfaction

• You will trust yourself deeply, knowing there is nothing that needs fixing

• You will realize that everyone you meet is living “outside-in”---believing that their circumstances cause their feelings and their possibilities, and you can use your awareness in compassionate ways to help them ‘see’ what you now see.

• Once you ‘see’ that you are “always living in the feeling of your thinking’ you won’t be able to ‘un-see’ it again

• You will rediscover that happiness is not a ‘destination’ or a goal…it has always been their inside of you, waiting for you to rediscover it. It was only your thinking that got in the way.

• And you will know that you always have a choice: you can be happy…or you can be ‘right’ about your Big Lie. Which will you choose.

So what’s the benefit of all this from a business perspective? Well I hope it is 100% obvious that happy, confident self-aware people are going to be more productive and more effective in meeting business challenges. And they are going to be better colleagues, team members, collaborators….because they are never going to take anything personally. Instead they will operate from a state of deep compassion, wisdom and…personal mastery. In other words, they will be leaders.

Will it take ten thousand hours? Not likely. Practice these exercises morning and night and in between for six weeks and experience the changes. I’ll be looking forward to hearing about what happens. Most people will simply read this article and forget about it. What will you do?

我来点评

最新文章:

中国煤业大迁徙

500强情报中心

财富专栏