闺蜜妨碍了你的事业发展？要如何应对？

大约15年前，我成为思科全球知识产权副总裁，那时候只有少数女性能做到这个位置。不久后我跟人合伙成立了ChIPsNetwork.org，想帮助技术、法律、政策领域的女性建立联系，最终目的是帮她们扩大业务。多年来，我们举办了不计其数的活动，帮助数千名聪颖有事业心的女性建立起了联系。我们携手对抗不公。我们互换孕妇装。我们成为彼此的朋友。但我们就是没有做成生意。

为了弄清楚原因，我采访了几十名女女同胞，发现尽管当前的文化氛围鼓励女性发展友谊，但女性关系的过于亲密，会让她们误以为私人关系和商业交易间存在对立。

她们害怕向朋友提出生意上的请求，担心这样做会破坏私人关系，如果对方拒绝了合作邀约，她们会把这当成是针对个人的，因此畏手畏脚，再也不敢提出生意邀约。哪怕是完全不介意和朋友谈生意（而且精于此道）的女性也经常遇到对方避而不谈、断然拒绝或毫无回应的情况。

而有些收到过朋友生意上请求的女性说，自己从未想到朋友会找她们谈生意，而当这种情况确实发生了的时候，会不自觉地产生一种微妙的紧张感，影响她们的热络。甚至会有人怀疑对方一开始和自己交朋友的动机。有人更夸张，她们甚至会避开可能会和自己有业务交集的人。

为了对抗歧视，在美国企业界获得最高职位，女性已经战斗了几十年。根据皮尤研究中心的数据，2017年，标普1500指数的成分股公司中只有5.1%的CEO为女性，11.5%的公司顶级管理者中有女性。想要在商界取得成功和影响力，归根结底要看谁赚的钱多。一直以来，男性都把和兄弟哥们儿做生意当成是扩大生意圈的好办法。但女性却对让金钱和友谊出现交叉心存顾虑，自己就断了这个念头，而在不断挣扎谋求发展的生意场里，这种做法是效果最好的方式之一。我们为什么这么不愿意和朋友们做生意呢？何况我们知道她们是支持我们的人？

组织信息学家罗纳德·雷吉欧这样解释：“男性的友谊通常建立在共同活动的基础上（如牌友或高尔夫球友），‘可交易性’更强，他们相互帮忙，合作开展项目。换句话说，男性分享的是活动，女性分享的是感情。”我和一些男同事聊过，他们证实了很少和朋友们谈感情。其中一个人说：“不谈感情，就只能谈运动和生意了。”他们还提到，人们都愿意和兄弟做生意，因为这种相互信任对于双方而言都是成功的保证。

女性间更容易快速建立起深厚、亲密的个人友谊。但双方都觉得从个人关系直接跳到商业关系似乎突兀又尴尬。所以女性友谊这种本应受到赞美的特质反而阻碍我们彼此间建立重要的商业关系。

首先声明：我不是说女性要更像男性一些。而是说女性可以充分利用传统女性友谊中感情深厚、交往亲密、关系紧密这些特质，把它们变成能够促进商业成功的特点。我确实观察到有些女性会和朋友们做生意，她们通常是更资深也受到更多尊重和认可的人。

下面是她们的一些做法：

1、每次和女同胞见面时，都问问她能帮她做些什么，无论是在日常生活中还是在职业生涯中。比如说，“告诉我两件我能具体帮忙的事”并继续跟进。这样直接发问，更容易得到操作性强的明确回答，避免好心好意做出一些难以落实的模糊承诺。

2、向朋友推荐朋友。女性通常在夸朋友取得了哪些成就时觉得更自在（因为如果她们谈自己，会被人认为是在自我推销，就能理解为什么她们谈朋友了）。让我们利用这个特点，更刻意地推销自己的专家朋友、领导朋友和商业资源。

3、主动出击，不要被动等待。如果你有商业需求，主动出击，找找你的女朋友，让她们参与进来看看能不能帮忙。哪怕你眼下没有迫切的需求，主动找她们，问问有没有什么你能帮上忙的。你会发现你能找到那些有需求的人。让你的朋友们向你推荐其他女同胞，这样在你日常关系网外的女性也能参与进来。

4、去见对方，给她牵线搭桥。如果你接到了一个“不错”的商业邀约，而且是来自一个朋友的邀约，去见见对方。从这种接触中我通常都能有所收获，而且会在日后带来意想不到的好处。哪怕你没有迫切的需求，把她介绍给你关系网里有需求的人。成功牵线搭桥带来的满足感无与伦比，而且双方都会记得你的好处，想着要给你同样的回报。

然而也要意识到这条路是双向的，女性也得学会主动寻求帮助。我承认这很难。哪怕是经常帮助其他女同胞的高级别资深职业女性在向女性朋友寻求帮助时也会顿一顿。一个交友广阔、作风强硬的女同胞告诉我，“对于女性，我的默认做法是帮她们忙，但从不问她们能不能帮我，因为我知道这样做大家都会觉得尴尬。结果就是我通常是从信任我的男性那得到帮助，因为他们不会为此感到困惑。”

想要在美国企业中实现男女平等，女性还有很长一段路要走。我们为了帮助彼此做出的每一次努力，不分大小，都推动我们前进。让我们从今天开始，找三个女同胞，让她们“告诉我两件能帮上忙的事情。”如果你想把私人关系发展成商业关系，试着直面这个大家刻意回避的问题，承认当你开始推动这种转变的时候，会有那么点尴尬。（财富中文网）

Mullen Yen是董事会成员、上市公司主管、技术主管、创始人、全球知识产权领袖。她成立了 SaaStr 和 ChIPsNetwork.org。

译者：Agatha

Almost 15 years ago, I became Cisco’s vice president of global intellectual property, a position held by only a handful of women at the time. Soon thereafter, I co-founded ChIPsNetwork.org to connect women in technology, law, and policy for the purpose of helping build bigger books of business. Over the years, we hosted countless events and brought together thousands of smart, ambitious women. We marched against injustices side by side. We swapped maternity clothes. We made friends. But we didn’t make business deals.

After interviewing many dozens of women to find out why, I realized that despite the cultural moment female friendship is currently enjoying, the same strength, intensity, and deep connections being celebrated was also setting up a false dichotomy between personal relationships and the transactionality of business.

Women told me that when they asked a friend for business, they feared it would damage their personal relationships, took rejection personally, and became gun-shy about making another pitch. Even well-qualified women who had no qualms about asking (and were quite adept at it) were often met with avoidance, a brush-off, or no reply at all.

Women who received an ask from a friend said they didn’t expect their friends to hit them up for business and when they did, it sometimes caused an unspoken tension that dampened their enthusiasm for the relationship. Some even began to doubt the true motives behind the friendship in the first place. Others went so far as avoiding those who might ask for business later.

Women have fought for decades to overcome biases and attain the highest ranks in corporate America. In 2017, only 5.1% of CEOs and just 11.5% of other top executives in S&P Composite 1500 companies were women, according to Pew Research. To achieve success and influence in business, it still comes down to who generates the most revenue. Doing deals with your buddies is a time-honored way to build your book of business. But women tend to struggle when it comes to mixing money and friendship, cutting themselves off from one of the most effective tactics in the constant struggle to get ahead. So why is it that we’re so hesitant to do deals with our friends—the very people we know have our backs?

As organizational psychologist Ronald Riggio puts it: “Men’s friendships are often based on shared activities (e.g., poker or golfing buddies), and are more ‘transactional’—reciprocating favors and working together on projects. In other words, men share activities, women share feelings.” Male colleagues I spoke with confirmed they rarely talk about feelings with friends. One remarked, “When you take away feelings, that leaves you with talking about things like sports and work.” They also noted that it’s pretty much expected you’ll do business with your buddies and that the trust provides an advantage in ensuring success on both sides.

Women’s friendships tend to become deeply personal and intimate very quickly. Trying to make the leap directly from intense personal relationships to business can feel abrupt and awkward to both sides. So the very thing about female friendships that is deservedly celebrated may also be holding us back from generating vital business with each other.

I want to be clear: I am not saying that women need to be more like men. Rather, women can take the depth of emotion, closeness, and personal bonds that underpin traditional female friendship and channel them into the transactionality that drives business success. I do observe some women, typically more senior and established, who are able to successfully transact business with friends.

Here are some things they do:

1. Ask how you can help every time you meet with a woman—socially or professionally. Say, “Tell me two specific things I can do to help you” and then follow through. The directness tends to elicit a specific, actionable response, and averts well-intentioned but vague promises to follow up.

2. Recommend friends to friends. Women are often more comfortable bragging about their friends’ accomplishments than mentioning their own (no surprise given that women are often dinged for being self-promoting when they do talk about themselves). Let’s use this to our advantage by more intentionally promoting each other as experts, leaders, and business resources.

3. Seek women out—don’t wait to be approached. When you have a business need, seek out women and ask them to come in and pitch. Even if you don’t have an immediate need, proactively reach out and ask how you can help. You will often find you can make introductions to others who do. Ask your friends to recommend other women, which will bring in those who might be outside of your regular network.

4. Take the meeting and play matchmaker. Whenever you receive a reasonably “good” ask, take the meeting, especially if it’s from a friend. I always learn something from these contacts, and they often pay unexpected benefits down the road. Even if you don’t have a pressing need, introduce her to a relevant contact in your network who does. It’s immensely satisfying to make a successful match, and both sides will remember it and work to reciprocate.

Recognize, though, that it’s a two-way street—women need to be proactive too about asking. This can admittedly be hard. Even those powerful senior women who regularly reach out to help other women still pause when it comes to asking friends. One particularly well-connected, hard-charging woman admitted to me, “I default to only helping women and never asking, since I know it is so awkward for them and me. The result is that I mainly get help from men who trust me and who don’t get confused.”

Women have a long way to go to achieve equality in corporate America. Every effort we make to help each other, small or large, moves us forward. Start by reaching out to three women today and saying, “Tell me two concrete things I can do to help you.” And if you are attempting to scaffold from a personal relationship to a business one, consider addressing the elephant in the room head-on and acknowledge the awkwardness that can arise when you begin to do so.

Mallun Yen is a board director, public company officer, technology executive, founder, and global intellectual property leader. She launched SaaStr and ChIPsNetwork.org.