怎样化解与同事的纠纷？从这三方面着手

“透视领导力”是一个在线互动社区，那些最具思想和影响力的商界人物会在此及时回答关于职业发展和领导力的问题。今天的问题是：“怎样解决办公室矛盾？”回答者是Karrikins Group首席促进增长官朱莉•威廉姆森，她也是《问题关键：眼光不拘于竞争，创造更多价值成为明显选择》一书的联合作者。。

我们不可能跟所有人和睦相处。如果在办公室跟人结了怨，大家都知道这会让工作环境变得多么令人分心和有害。在上班路上想着自己会面对某人隐隐的怨气，或者在更坏情况下，面对某人公然的恶意行为是一种很糟糕的感觉。无论谁对谁错，同事们或许都会给你们施加压力，要求你们修补关系，而且要迅速这样做，以免个人恩怨影响工作项目。

怎样解决纠纷也会对你自己的职业地位产生直接影响。以下是化解矛盾并重回正轨的三个步骤：

静下来并自我调整

在采取任何种类的行动前，趁着记忆依然清晰，花点儿时间回想一下刚刚发生的事。找个安静的地方坐下来，深吸一口气。用尽量客观的态度做一些记录，重点是谁说了什么，纷争是怎样开始的，以及其他相关信息。回想冲突事件绝非易事，但如果等的时间太长，也许就会忘记关键的细节。

假设和你起冲突的同事也在做记录。请记住，你们可能都觉得受了伤，分了心，而且不知道接下来该怎么办。

向信得过的哥们倾诉

在办公室里有个信得过的哥们在感情上支持你总是好的。如果和别人发生了矛盾，请抑制住吐槽对方特征的冲动，这不会帮你解决问题。相反，要让你的哥们通过提供客观意见的方式来协助你。

和他们一起回顾你对这场冲突的看法，让他们问你一些直截了当的问题，以便剖析局势，而且要愿意倾听他们的反馈。他们也许能拿出新的见解，从而帮你摆脱怨气的困扰。要当面或者通过电话来做这件事，不要写电子邮件或者发信息，因为后者很容易被误解。

直面问题

你可能觉得自己彻底受到了伤害和误解。想到不得不向跟你起冲突的同事“示好”也许会让你很生气。如果能够表明你对工作投入的更多，而不是自己受伤的情感，你也许会有一些强力收获。采取积极姿态能证明你自己的价值，从而让上司更多的支持你。

我有一位步入职场不久的同事，他跟另一位同事似乎莫名其妙地产生了矛盾。他表示：“说实话，我不知道自己怎么招惹他了。所以我甚至不愿意承认有这么个问题。”

由于他们在同一个项目里而且面临着完成工作的压力，我的这位同事决定直接面对问题。他请后者去吃午饭，而且明确地讲了自己的想法。“我告诉他我很担心，也很困惑。我说自己可能在无意间冒犯了他。”由于为谈话创造了一个安全的环境，他让这位同事很放松。

午饭吃了一大半后他们发现两人都在无意间伤到了对方。他说：“实际上我们的谈话很棒。我们俩都不应该受责备，但如果不说，我们也许永远也不会知道。”

如果必须把矛盾告诉上司，那就要确保自己通过上述三个步骤尝试了所有可能的解决办法。管理者一般都不愿参与到冲突中。

人们总会有自己的第一次办公室冲突，而且有可能不是最后一次。如果有成功化解矛盾的经验，你就会有信心和思路来解决今后的其他冲突。

不过，如果另一方就是不愿意积极配合，请记住两条基本原则。首先，不要在社交媒体上发牢骚，就算用的是个人账号。要把问题留在职场上。其次，照顾好自己。给自己创造一些空间并走出办公室。把它排解掉，去上一堂精彩的瑜伽课，舒畅地跑一场，做一份赏心悦目的美餐，或者做点儿别的什么来提醒自己生活绝不只是工作上的矛盾。（财富中文网）

译者：Charlie

审稿：夏林

The Leadership Insiders network is an online community where the most thoughtful and influential people in business contribute answers to timely questions about careers and leadership. Today's answer to the question, "How do you resolve an office feud?" is written by Julie Williamson, chief growth enabler with Karrikins Group and co-author of Matter: Move Beyond the Competition, Create More Value, and Become the Obvious Choice.

We can't get along with everyone. If you've ever been involved in an office feud, you know how disruptive and toxic it can be for the workplace. It feels terrible to come to work anticipating someone's subtle resentment, or worse, overtly bad behavior. And no matter who's right or wrong, your colleagues may put pressure on you to fix it—and fast, before it gets in the way of a work project.

How you resolve the conflict can have a direct bearing on your own professional standing as well. Here are three steps for resolving the feud and getting back on track:

Stop and regroup

Before taking any kind of action, take time to reflect on what just happened while it's still fresh in your mind. Sit down somewhere quiet and take a deep breath. Jot down some notes as objectively as you can, focusing on who said what, how the fight started, and other relevant information. Revisiting a conflict is never easy, but if you wait too long, you may not remember key details.

Assume that your counterpart is also doing their own version of this. Remember that you both likely feel injured, disrupted, and unsure of how to move forward.

Confide in a trusted ally

It's always good to have a trusted ally in the office for emotional support. If and when you wind up in a conflict, resist the urge to vent about the character of your opponent—that's not going to help you get over this. Instead, ask for your ally's assistance as an objective sounding board.

Review your understanding of the conflict with them, have them ask you pointed questions to dig into the situation, and be willing to listen to their feedback. They may provide new insights that can help keep you out of the resentment trap. Go through this process in person or on the phone—not through email or text, which can be easily misconstrued.

Confront the situation directly

You may feel completely wronged and misunderstood, and it may be infuriating to think of having to "make nice" with the coworker you're in conflict with. If you can show that you're more invested in your job than your hurt feelings, you may reap a powerful reward. Taking the high road will demonstrate your own value in a way that will produce more support from your supervisors.

Earlier in his career, a colleague of mine wound up in a conflict with a coworker that seemed to come out of left field. "I honestly had no idea what I had done to upset him," he said. "So I was reluctant to even acknowledge there was a problem."

Since they were on the same project and under pressure to deliver, he decided to confront the situation directly. He invited the person to lunch and was transparent about his intentions. "I told him I was concerned and confused, and offered the possibility that I might have offended him unintentionally." By creating a safe space for the conversation, he set his coworker at ease.

It took the better part of their cheeseburgers to figure out that they were inadvertently treading on each other's toes. "Actually, it was a great thing we talked," he said. "Neither of us was to blame, but we never would have known."

If you do have to take your feud to your boss, make sure you've exhausted the possibility of a solution by completing these three steps first. Managers generally prefer to stay out of conflicts.

There's always a first time for an office conflict, and there probably won't be a last. If you have the experience of successfully defusing a feud, you'll have the confidence and the presence of mind to resolve others in the future.

That said, if the other person simply won't engage productively, remember these two cardinal rules: First, absolutely no grousing on social media, even your personal accounts. Keep it professional. Second, take care of yourself. Create some space and get outside the office. Work it out of your system with a great yoga class, a good run, cooking an amazing meal, or doing something that reminds you there's more to life than a conflict at work.