情人节让爱情失控，但其实爱情更需要调控

本文选自专栏《谋生的工具》（Tools of the Trade）。在这个每周更新一次的专栏中，各领域的专家会提供可行建议，帮助你在形成好习惯到募资等方面迅速且高效地见到成果。本周，密苏里大学圣路易斯分校专攻爱情神经认知的助理教授桑德拉·兰吉斯拉格（Sandra J.E. Langeslag）将探讨一个浪漫的话题：爱的感觉能否调控？

爱情的很多方面可能是你无法控制的，但至少，你可以采取一些方法来调控爱的强度。

有时候，你可能无法自拔地坠入爱河，尽管你并不想爱得如此炽烈。或许，你爱上了一个不爱你的人，一个已经跟你分手的人。或许，你爱错了人，比如你的老板或者一个待你不好的人。或许，你已经拥有幸福的婚姻，但你狂热地爱上了其他人。在这些情况下，你可能想减轻你的爱意。这可能会减弱心碎的程度，阻止你去追求一个你不应该追求的人，或者帮助你终结一段不幸福的关系。

在其他时候，你对某人的爱意可能没有达到你想要的程度。或许，你拥有一位长期的伴侣，但当初那份激情早已被岁月消耗殆尽。这其实再正常不过。不再爱恋，是离婚的主要原因之一。如果你拥有一段幸福的关系，唯一的问题是你的爱正在减弱，你可能想增强你的爱意。这可以减少因激情减弱而分手或离婚的几率。

这正是“爱情调控”——使用行为和认知策略来改变你目前的爱恋强度——可以大显身手的地方。有些人认为，爱情是一个不可能强加改变的自然过程。但诸如恐惧、愤怒和快乐这类情绪也是一个自然过程；众多研究表明，情绪调控可能非常有益。因此，即使爱情是一个自然的过程，爱情调控也可能是有帮助的。此外，我自己的研究表明，人们往往相信，控制爱意是很难做到的，甚至是不可能的事。然而，我的研究也表明，你其实可以通过思考某些事情来改变你的爱恋强度。

如何减轻爱意

如果你想减少你对某人的爱意，不妨想想这个人的某些负面品质（他是个大懒虫，她总是迟到），或者这段关系的负面特征（我们经常打架）。你也可以想象消极的未来情景（他会欺骗我）。诸如此类的负向思考将减少迷恋（即激情之爱）和依恋（即伴侣之爱）。这显然不是最有趣的做法——在短期内，它可能会让你感到不舒服。但以前的研究表明，对前任和过往关系的负面想法，有助于人们克服分手的伤痛。所以，从长远来看，它可能会让你感觉更好。

如何增强爱意

如果你想增强你对某人的爱意，你应该做相反的事情：想想他或她的积极品质（他很善良，她很率真），或者这段关系的积极特征（我们一直过得很愉快）。此外，你也可以想象积极的未来情景（从此之后，我们将幸福地生活在一起）。诸如此类的积极思考将增强你对爱人的迷恋程度，也很可能会增加你对这种关系的满意度。

现在，对于你的爱人，这段关系或者你们的未来，你可能已经有了一些负面和积极的想法。但如果你想改变你的爱恋程度，务必要有意识地专注于负面或积极想法，这取决于你是想减轻，还是想增强你的爱意。切不可把这两种想法混杂在一起。

务必要注意，“爱情调控”的运作机理不同于电灯开关。这些负面或积极想法只会在边际上，微弱地改变你的爱意强度；短时间后，这种效应就会减退。就像人生中大多数事情一样，如果你想获得一种持久的改变，你就必须经常调控你的爱意。例如，你可以写下你所能想到的负面或积极的事情，最好每天一次。

有些人可能会认为，爱情是两个人互动的结果。但“单相思”并不罕见。也许你爱上了一个跟你没关系的人。也许你爱上了一个你甚至没有说过话的人，比如迷恋某个名人，或者对某人一见钟情。爱情调控的好处是，它是那种即使你的至爱毫不知情，你也能做的事情。你可以随时随地决定是否增强或减弱你的爱意。这样说来，你还有什么理由不去调控你的爱情生活呢？（财富中文网）

作者：Sandra J.E. Langeslag

译者：Kevin

This article is part of Tools of the Trade, a weekly series in which a variety of experts share actionable tips for achieving fast and effective results on everything from forming good habits to raising money.

This week Sandra J.E. Langeslag, an assistant professor at the University of Missouri-St. Louis who specializes in the neurocognition of romantic love, offers a look at whether feelings of love can be regulated.

There may be a lot of things you can’t control about love, but when it comes to the intensity with which you feel it, there’s some amount of fine-tuning that can be done.

At times, you may be more in love than you want to be. Maybe you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back or who has broken up with you. Maybe you’re in love with the wrong person, such as your boss or someone who doesn’t treat you well. Maybe you’re happily married but have a crush on someone else. In instances like these, you may want to decrease your love feelings. That might reduce heartbreak, prevent you from pursuing someone when you shouldn’t, or help you end an unhappy relationship.

At other times, you may be less in love than you want to be. Maybe you’re in a long-term relationship and the passion has died. This is actually pretty common, and falling out of love is one of the primary reasons for divorce. If you’re in a happy relationship and the only problem is that your love feelings are declining, you may want to increase your love feelings. This could reduce the chance of a break-up or divorce due to dwindling passion.

That is where love regulation, or the use of behavioral and cognitive strategies to change the intensity of your current feelings of romantic love, comes in. Some people argue that love is a natural process that should not be changed. But emotions (such as fear, anger, joy, etc.) are natural processes too, and there is much research that shows that emotion regulation can be very beneficial. So even though love is a natural process, love regulation may be helpful as well. In addition, my own research has revealed that people often believe that it’s difficult or even impossible to control love feelings. However, my research has also shown that you can actually change how in love you are by thinking certain things.

How to decrease your love feelings

If you want to decrease your feelings of love for someone, think about that person’s negative qualities (he’s lazy, she’s always late) and the negative qualities of your relationship (we fight a lot). You could also imagine negative future scenarios (he’ll cheat on me). Negative thoughts like these will decrease infatuation (i.e., passionate love) and attachment (i.e., companionate love). Clearly, this isn’t the most fun exercise – in the short term it may make you feel bad. But previous research has shown that thinking negatively of an ex and the ex-relationship helps people get over a break-up, so it will likely make you feel better in the long run.

How to increase your love feelings

If you want to increase your feelings of love for someone, you should do the opposite: think about his or her positive qualities (he’s kind, she’s spontaneous) or the positive qualities of your relationship (we have so much fun together). In addition, try imagining positive future scenarios (we’ll live happily ever after). Positive thoughts like these will increase how attached to your beloved you are and is likely to increase your satisfaction with your relationship as well.

Now you may already have these negative and positive thoughts about your beloved, the relationship, or the future. But if you want to change how in love you are, it is important that you intentionally focus either on the negative or the positive thoughts, depending on whether you want to decrease or increase your love feelings, rather than having a mix of the two.

It is important to note that love regulation doesn’t work like an on/off switch. Thinking these negative or positive thoughts will only change your love feelings a little bit and the effect will wear off after a short period of time. Like with most things in life, if you want to make a lasting change, you’ll have to regulate your love feelings regularly. You could write down as many negative or positive things you can think of once a day, for example.

Some people might argue that love is the result of an interaction between two people. But it is not uncommon for love to be one-sided. Maybe you’re in love with someone you’re not in a relationship with. Maybe you experience some form of love for someone you’ve never even spoken to, such as a crush on a celebrity or love at first sight. The advantage of love regulation is that it’s something you can do even when your beloved is not on board. You can decide if and when you want to make your feelings of love more or less intense. So, go on and take control of your love life!