四招让你变成优秀的倾听者

亲爱的安妮：我知道你写了很多关于软技能的文章，其中有些文章也谈到了在工作中倾听他人的重要性。如果你的确在倾听别人，但别人却不觉得你在倾听他们，这时该怎么办？我领导着一个16个人的团队，团队里至少有一两个人曾经向我的老板告状，说他们“没有感到自己被倾听”。因此我的老板对我说，我“需要成为一个更好的倾听者”，但他并没有明确指出我目前到底存在什么问题。我也不敢去问他，因为在我们这种“不拼命游泳就要沉底”的文化里，你必须自己解决你的问题。你对我的情况有什么建议吗？——洗耳恭听

亲爱的洗耳恭听：不管你的倾听技巧存在哪些问题，你都要振作些，因为它并不都是你的错。美国亚特兰大的LMA Communication公司的总裁贝弗莉·兰福德曾指出：“我们的文化并不鼓励倾听。对于倾听，我们不过只是口头上说得天花乱缀罢了，实际上我们的社会只会奖励说话者，而不是倾听者。”兰福德在她的新书《礼仪的优势：现代礼仪对商业成功的重要性》（The Etiquette Edge: Modern Manners for Business Success）中指出，人们之所以忽视了倾听的重要性，是由于倾听往往被视作一种“消极活动”。比如你是否注意过，假如某人想参加一次会议，如果他没有参与到会议论讨中，他就会说“我只是去听听”？

兰福德在书中写道：真正的倾听“绝对不是被动地听。真正的倾听需要我们付出大量心力，并且集中精神。”之所以如此，部分原因是由于倾听会迫使我们放慢思考速度。人类的思考虑速度大约是每分钟500词，但是大多数人的说话速度只有每分钟150词。而我们的大脑往往并没有利用这种速率上的差异去思考对方刚刚说了什么，而是完全将思绪飘到了别处。

顺便说一句，《礼仪的优势》是一本非常实用的指南，能够帮助读者培养当今社会最需要的一系列“软技能”。以下关于倾听的四条建议就来自《礼仪的优势》一书以及与兰福德本人的谈话。

建议对方挑一个更好的时间。有的公司可能允许员工随时向领导反映问题，还有的公司采用了开放式的办公场所。这些对开展协作很有效，但它也常常会带来一系列令人分心的事。比如你正在处理一项紧急事务，这时一名员工却来找你谈话，那你手头的工作还干得下去吗？所以兰福德在书中写道：“让我们面对事实吧，有时我们根本无法集中精神倾听某人在说什么。”与其勉为其难地当场分出一些精力和他谈话，还不如另约个时间稍后再聊。大多数人“发现你对他们的问题很上心，愿意找一个更好的时间单独解决它时，都会非常高兴”。

了解自己的敏感点。每个人都有一些敏感点。兰福德在她的书中写道：“不管我们声称自己的心胸有多开放，我们都有一些情感上的包袱影响了我们的倾听能力。个别字句、语调甚至连一个人的外表，都有可能触发我们的负面反应，从而影响我们对对方的接纳程度。”比如某个人正在台前演讲，“她的样子和说话声音像极了你小时候最讨厌的卡梅拉阿姨，所以她要想过你这一关可就难了。”更糟糕的是，这位神似卡梅拉阿姨的大姐压根不知道自己怎么得罪了你。所以你要意识到“正常反应和下意识反应”的区别，在倾听时尽量克服你的下意识反应。

倾听“言外之意”。兰福德指出：“如果你只听见了从某人口中说出的言辞，你可能会漏掉一些更加重要的意思。”说话者的面部表情、语气语调、眼神交流以及肢体语言都是非常重要的。“对方是不是心口不一呢？有没有可能对方嘴上说‘我同意’，他的肢体语言却表明‘我不同意’？”有些人可能嘴上说他喜欢你的点子，但他本人却双手抱着胳膊没精打采地靠在椅背上，这充分表明他想的和说的是两回事。所以你一定要既倾听“言下之意”，也要倾听“言外之意”，并且对两者都要给出回应。

确认你刚刚听到的内容。你的团队成员抱怨道，他们感到自己没有被“倾听”。兰福德认为，这或许是由于他们觉得你对他们告诉你的内容没有任何反应。“有可能你对某人的回应给他留下了敷衍了事的印象。我们可能都有过这样的经历：在开会的时候，某人就一个问题清晰地发表了很多见解，但领导最多只是不置可否地点了一下头，就马上叫下一个人发言了。”所以哪怕你时间紧迫，也要花上几秒钟确认一下对方刚刚说过的内容，不管是简要总结一下也好，问一个相关的问题也好。或者你也可以用其他方式示意你刚刚在集中精神听他的问题。

你可能要花上一阵子时间才能成为一个更有效的倾听者，因为和任何一件需要学习的事情一样，倾听也是一项需要训练的技巧。兰福德本人也在佐治亚州立大学向MBA学生传授沟通技巧。她表示，那些请她做高管辅导的公司，也会经常请她就如何有效倾听的课题去给员工做上一个小时或半天的讲座。

她表示：“我经常谢绝他们的邀请，因为倾听不是一个小时或一个下午就能学会的。倾听在本质是上一种心态，首先你得真心地想从对方要说的话中学到些什么，也就是做一个真正好奇的人，这样才能成为一个更好的倾听者。”

祝你好运。

有职业方面的问题，或陷入了职场困境？请将你的问题发送至askannie@fortune.com（财富中文网）

译者：朴成奎

Dear Annie: I know you’ve written a lot about soft skills, including how important it is to listen well at work — but what can you do if you are listening but people think you aren’t? I lead a team of 16 people, at least one (or possibly two) of whom apparently told my boss they don’t “feel heard.” So my boss told me I “need to be a better listener,” without elaborating on what exactly is wrong with how I’m listening now. I hesitated to ask him, because this is the kind of sink-or-swim culture where you’re supposed to figure things out for yourself, but do you have any ideas for me? —All Ears

Dear A.E.: Whatever your shortcomings as a listener might be, cheer up. They’re not entirely your fault. “Our culture does not encourage listening,” observes Beverly Langford, president of Atlanta-based LMA Communication. “We give lip service to it, but our society rewards the talker, not the listener.” One reason is that paying close attention to what someone else is saying is viewed as “a non-activity,” she notes in a new book, The Etiquette Edge: Modern Manners for Business Success. Ever notice, for example, that when someone wants to attend a meeting, but not participate in it, they say they’re “just going to listen”?

Yet real listening is “anything but passive,” Langford writes. “It takes an enormous amount of mental energy and concentration” — partly because it forces us to slow down. Humans think at a rate of about 500 words per minute, but most people speak at a rate of only 150 words in those 60 seconds. Instead of using that gap to think about what’s being said, she notes, our minds often tend to wander off to somewhere else entirely.

The Etiquette Edge, by the way, is a practical, down-to-earth guide to developing a wide range of the soft skills most in demand these days. Here are 4 ideas from the book, and from a conversation with Langford, on how to listen:

Suggest a better time. Open-door policies and open-plan offices are great for collaboration, but they can create a constant stream of distractions. So can whatever urgent stuff you’ve already got going on when a colleague is trying to get your full attention. “Let’s face it. Sometimes we just aren’t in the frame of mind to concentrate on what someone is saying,” Langford writes. Rather than try to squeeze the conversation in around the edges of your mind, make an appointment to talk later. Most people are “flattered that you care enough about what they have to say to find a better time to focus on it.”

Be aware of your own hot buttons. Everyone has a few. “No matter how open-minded we claim to be, we all carry emotional baggage that interferes with our ability to listen,” writes Langford. “Words, phrases, and voice inflections — or even a person’s appearance — can trigger negative reactions that shut down our receptivity.” Someone making a presentation, for instance, “who looks and sounds alarmingly like your Aunt Carmella, whose visits you always dreaded, is going to face a particular challenge getting through to you” — and, worse, she won’t know why. Practice spotting the difference between a “legitimate reaction and a knee-jerk reflex, and focus on overcoming the latter when you’re listening.”

Listen “between the lines.” If you only hear the words someone is saying, “you may miss the more important meanings,” Langford notes. Facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact, and posture all matter. “Are you receiving mixed signals? Do the words say ‘I’m on board’ while the body language says, ‘I’d rather be anywhere than here’?” Someone who tells you he loves your idea, for example, while slouching way back in his chair with his arms crossed against his chest, is actually saying two very different things. Make sure you’re hearing, and responding to, both of them.

Acknowledge what you just heard. Your team members’ complaint that they don’t “feel heard,” Langford says, probably means that they don’t think you’ve taken any action based on what they told you. One possibility is that “your response to what someone said came across as perfunctory or dismissive. We’ve all been in meetings where someone clearly put a lot of thought into a point they were making — only to have the leader move quickly on to the next person with barely a nod.” Even if you’re pressed for time, take a few seconds to acknowledge what’s just been said, whether by briefly summarizing it, asking a pertinent question, or otherwise indicating your mind wasn’t elsewhere.

It may take you a while to become a more effective listener since, like anything else worth learning, it takes practice. Langford, who teaches communications skills to MBA students at Georgia State, says she often gets asked by companies where she does executive coaching to come in and give a one-hour or half-day seminar to employees on how to listen better.

“I always decline to do that, because it isn’t something you can learn in an hour, or in an afternoon,” she says. “”Listening is mainly a mindset. You need to want to learn from people by hearing what they have to say. Be genuinely curious.”

Good luck.

Got a career question, or a workplace dilemma? Send it to askannie@fortune.com.