By Stanley Bing

    I thought I would let you know that Otto, whose reprehensible hold-up of corporate resources I told you about last week, got pretty much everything he was looking for. As you recall, Otto is a good employee whose job skills and function are not easily replaceable, particularly in Petaluma. He hit his boss up for a massive raise, which produced two reactions: the desire to give the fellow what he wanted, and the desire to kill him. It also made the boss consider something he had never contemplated before — life without Otto. After due consideration, his superiors decided that as galling as it was to grant Otto’s requests, it was even more odious to have to find his replacement. So after a little dickering, Otto achieved just about everything he had been seeking. And life goes on at the corporation, even in Petaluma.

    This little lesson shows us several things:

    1. When your bosses tell you that there are no raises right now, they are lying. There are raises, if you make them give you one.

    2. If you want something bad enough and are willing to piss everybody off in order to get it, you may actually get it.

    3. If you do go for it, you’d better have an accurate assessment of your worth.

    4. Non-fungible people are worth more than fungible ones.

    5. You’d better goddamn well express appropriate gratitude afterwards.

    You’d be amazed how many people don’t. I gave a person a raise once that brought them over the $100,000 mark. When I told her, she took it in and then said, “Thanks. I realize that’s probably the best you can do right now.” Can you believe that?