By Stanley Bing

    I figure I’ll have a better shot at living up to my resolutions if I made them achievable:

    • Go to work every day I’m expected to and none that I am not.

    • Drink no more than three drinks a day, and never before 6 PM, and never alone unless I don’t have anybody with me.

    • Eat no more than 3000 calories a day. Anything over that should be very well prepared.

    • Have dinner in no restaurant whose entrees do not cover at least 45 percent of the plate.

    • Pick up all checks I absolutely have to.

    • Invest in nothing that is not insured by some reputable underwriter, if any still exist.

    • Never use “impact” as a verb or “impactful” as an adjective, and refrain as much as possible from utilizing military or sports metaphors in business conversation, unless we’re field stripping the ordnance and pushing through the red zone.

    • Fall asleep in as few meetings as possible, and only in those that deserve it.

    • Never get a bluetooth earpiece unless its surgical implantation becomes mandatory by the corporation.

    • Retain my Executive Platinum status.

    • Get at least three hours of sleep a night.

    • Not answer my cell phone or work my BlackBerry while dining, even if my companion is doing so.

    • Never apologize in public for any private gaffes.

    • Accept all bonuses that are offered to me.

    • Only yell at people who truly deserve it.

    • Keep my electronics charged.

    • Shave.

    Let’s have a good year, everybody.