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亲测有效:五个有科学依据的社交秘诀

Jon Levy 2016年11月02日

天生不善交际?不是什么大问题。这些科学理论或许可以帮助你走出自己的小天地,成为一位社交达人。

 

我永远不会忘记上八年级时那个改变了我整个人生的日子。那天走进教室时,老师对我们说:“我们要重新排一下座位,你们每个人都要写下两个你想挨着坐的人,和两个你不想挨着坐的人的名字。”

事实悲哀地证明,班里几乎没有人愿意坐在我旁边。不过仔细回想一下,这也没什么好奇怪的。当时科技创业风潮和超级英雄大片还没有火起来,在那样一个时代,像我这样的科技宅男无疑是同龄人眼中的另类。虽然我当时缺乏社交技能,但我用对科学的热爱弥补了我的“缺爱症”。

我曾经想过,如果我能利用科学研究的成果帮助我社交的话,说不定我还是可以交到一两个朋友的。时至今日,也就是20年后,我已经成了一名人类行为学家,同时我还是“影响者晚宴”(Influencers Dinner)活动的创办人——这场私人晚宴活动,目前已经吸引了800余位有影响力的人士参加,其中包括诺贝尔奖得主、曾荣获大奖的知名演员、著名音乐家以及王室成员等。

社交经常意味着你要走出你的舒适区。有时你会发现自己处于十分尴尬的处境。但是一些重要的人脉所带来的好处也能让你一生受用。如果你天生不善交际,这也不是什么大问题,你可以用科学理论指导你的社交。

现在就为大家介绍一些我个人亲测有效的社交技巧,我曾经利用它们建立并维系了长久的人际关系。

1.扪心自问:你是否是一个给予者?

沃顿商学院知名教授亚当·格兰特曾经指出,世上有三种人:给予者、索取者和匹配者。给予者乐于帮助别人,并且不求索取;索取者只求索取,不思回报;匹配者给予的与索取的一样多。

格兰特想知道哪一种人的人生最成功。他的发现令人十分震惊。给予者既是最成功的,也是最不成功的。最成功的人知道在给予的同时,如何避免成为被千人踩万人踏的垫脚石。他们懂得在给予的同时,如何推动自己的个人利益。

要想建立人际网络和社交圈子,你要变得比大家此前的想象更加慷慨才行。所以下次有陌生人请你帮忙,你不妨慷慨地答允。如此一来,你可能会变得更加成功。社会学家马克·格兰诺维特发现,所谓的弱人际关系(比如熟人)给我们带来的工作资源,要比强人际关系(如好友)多出58%。正是因为弱人际关系有这样强大的效用,所以LinkedIn才会成为一个如此成功的求职网络。

2.敢于开口求人。

仅仅因为你是一个给予者,并不意味着你就不能请求别人的帮助。如果你想和某人建立交情和信任,不妨好好利用一下“本·弗兰克效应”。他在自传中分享了一个化敌为友的故事。弗兰克并没有刻意迎合对方,而是请求对方帮自己一个忙。事实证明,一个人如果为我们帮了忙,他们反而会更加喜欢我们,或是愿意在我们身上花费更多的时间和精力。

研究显示,如果你要请求别人帮忙,一定要记从小忙到大忙循序渐进地提出来。如果对方给你帮了个小忙,就等于他们为你俩的关系投入了一定的精力,从而他们会将你视为值得进一步投入时间和精力的人。

3.别那么不自在

将自己置身于社交情境中,有时会让人觉得很不舒服。有时你的表现可能很糟糕,但这并没有什么值得担心的。其实大家并没有你想象得那样在乎你——这一论断已经被康奈尔大学学者托马斯·季洛维奇所证实。这种现象又称“聚光灯效应”:如果某件事让你感到骄傲或感到很不安全,你就会以为很多人都在关注着这件事。然而事实上,在你以为很关注你的人中,只有一少部分人会真正关注这件事。也就是说,人们大都忙于自己的事情,可能分不出心来关心你。

4.培养好奇心。

上世纪90年代初,乔治·勒文施泰因提出了一个“信息缺口”理论,它解释了什么是好奇心,以及好奇心的运行机制。根据这个理论,面临新的信息时,我们的知识和新信息之间就会出现一个缺口。如果这个缺口太大,我们觉得很恐惧(比如天体物理学);如果这个缺口太小,我们又会觉得很无聊(比如“你好,我的名字叫鲍勃”)。只有处于两者之间,这种信息缺口才会激起好奇心。如果这个缺口不是太大也不是太小,它就会对人产生吸引,让人形成好奇心。这种好奇心就像一处非搔不可的痒处,除非得到满足,否则它还会一直痒下去。

如果你和某人第一次见面,不妨想办法激起他的好奇心。比如,如果有人问我:“你从哪里来?”我会说:”我来自美国东北部的一个小岛”。过几秒钟我会补充道:“曼哈顿,你听说过吗?”

每次你做自我介绍时,都要尽量想办法使它变得更有趣、更吸引人。

5.善于利用新鲜感。

一个人如何才能给人留下难忘的印象?一个人如果泯然于众人,自然会被人遗忘。唯有具备新鲜感,才能给人留下难忘的印象。所谓新鲜感,就是与众不同。研究人员尼可·班扎克和埃姆拉·都扎尔发现,人类大脑中有一个部分叫做黑质致密部/中脑腹侧被盖区(SN/VTA),它会对新鲜感做出响应,并会判断某种体验有多新鲜和不同。也就是说,如果你想被人记住,就要想办法变得与众不同。

你的与众不同之处,既可以是你的衣着,也可以是你讲述的故事、你分享的知识或你提出的问题。我每次都喜欢穿一件个性十足的服饰,有时是大红色或蓝色的裤子,有时是领结或背带裤。它不仅能成为交谈的开场白,而且也暗示,与我互动会是一件很有新鲜感的事。

本文作者Jon Levy是一名行为科学家,主要从事影响力、人际交往以及冒险等领域的研究。他也是“影响者晚宴”活动的发起人。他的新书《凌晨2点法则:探索冒险的科学》(The 2 AM Principle: Discover the Science of Adventure)已于近日出版。在这本书中,他分享了一些以如何过上有趣和令人兴奋的生活为主题的科学与故事。(财富中文网)

译者:朴成奎

审校:任文科

I will never forget the day in eighth grade that changed my life. I walked into my homeroom and my teacher said: “We are going to reassign all of the seating, but each of you are going to secretly submit the names of two people that you want to sit next to and two that you don’t.”

Through a series of unfortunate events, I discovered that almost no one wanted to sit with me. In retrospect I’m not surprised: I was a geek in an era before dotcom billionaires and superhero blockbusters, but what I lacked in social skills, I made up for in a love of science.

I thought that if I could apply scientific research, maybe I could make a friend or two. Now, 20 years later, I am a human behavior scientist and founder of the Influencers Dinner, a private dining experience attended by more than 800 influential people ranging from Nobel Laureates and award-winning actors to famous musicians and members of royalty.

Networking often means getting out of your comfort zone. Sometimes, you’ll find yourself in awkward situations. But, you could also make some of the most important relationships of your life. If you aren’t a natural born networker, that’s okay. You can look to science to help you navigate.

Here are a few techniques I’ve used to network and forge lasting relationships.

Ask yourself: Are you a giver?

Famed Wharton professor and researcher Adam Grant examined three types of people: givers, takers and matchers. Givers help people without any expectation of getting something back; takers ask for favors without giving anything in return; matchers give as much as they take.

Grant wanted to know which group ended up finding the most success in life. What he found was startling.The givers were both the least and most successful. Themost successful knew how to give without becoming doormats. They know how to give while simultaneously driving their own personal interests.

Developing a network and a successful community may be more a factor of generosity than previously imagined. So next time a stranger asks you for a favor, it might be a good idea to say yes. You might be more successful as a byproduct. Researcher and sociologist Mark Granovetter found that weak ties like acquaintances are 58% more likely to be the source of getting us our jobs than strong ties like friends. The idea of weak ties is even why LinkedIn has been a successful job network.

Ask for favors.

Just because you’re a giver doesn’t mean you can’t ask for favors. If you want to connect with somebody and develop trust, leverage the Ben Franklin effect. In his autobiography, Franklin shares a story of how he turned an adversary into a friend. Instead of pandering to him, he asked him for a favor. It turns out that doing a favor for someone will cause us to like them more or be willing to invest more time and effort into them.

Research suggests when you ask for favors, make sure that you stack them from small to large. By getting a small commitment from people it has them invest effort into your relationship having them see you as someone worthy of their time and attention.

Don’t be so self-conscious.

Yes, throwing yourself into social situations may be uncomfortable. You’re going to mess up sometimes but, don’t worry about it. People probably don’t notice as much as you think they do. This was proven by aresearch study led by Thomas Gilovich and his students at Cornell University. The phenomenon known as the spotlight effect suggests that if there is something you are either insecure about or proud of, you will believe there is a spotlight causing other to notice, but in reality only a fraction of people you think will notice pay attention. Truth be told, people are probably to self occupied to notice you.

Create curiosity.

In the early ‘90s, George Loewenstein proposedsomething called the information gap theory, which explains what curiosity is and how it works. The idea is that when we are presented with new information, there will be a gap between our knowledge and the new information. If a gap is too big, we will find it intimidating (e.g. theoretical astrophysics). If the gap is too small, you will find it boring (e.g. “Hi, my name is Bob”). Curiosity is piqued somewhere in between. If the gap is the right size, it will draw people in and create curiosity. This curiosity will act as an itch that needs to be scratched, and may stick with us until the curiosity is quenched.

If you are meeting someone new try to create intrigue. When people ask, “Where are you from?” I respond, “I am from a small island in the northeast U.S. After a few seconds, I add, “Manhattan, have you heard of it?”

Each time you introduce yourself, look for ways to make it more engaging and interesting.

Use novelty.

So what makes someone memorable? After all you don’t want to meet a thousand people and forget them. A large part of it has to do with novelty; things that stand out as different. Researchers Nico Bunzeck and Emrah Düzel found that a section of the brain known as SN/VTA responds to novelty and in proportion to how novel or different the experience is. Meaning, if you want to be remembered, find a way to stand out for the right reasons.

This can be the way that you dress, stories you tell, knowledge you share, or the questions you ask. I like to wear at least one thing that stands out, sometimes colorful pants in bright red or blue, or a cool accessory like a bowtie or suspenders. It not only functions as a conversation starter but it demonstrates that engaging with me will stand out.

Jon Levy is a behavior scientist best known for his work in influence, networking and adventure. He is founder of the Influencers Dinner and author of a new book called The 2 AM Principle: Discover the Science of Adventure, where he shares science and stories on how to live a fun and exciting life.

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